Just Keep Me Where The Light Is — An Abortion Story

To all of the people who’ve been helping me heal and didn’t even realize that they were doing it. Disclaimer: There’s not a wrong or right answer to this, this is just my experience.

“Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh, I’ll never know
What makes this man, with all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away.”

I don’t necessarily remember picking out what to wear. It just instantly occurred me that I should dress in gym clothes — black tights, bright Pink workout shoes and a cheap Beyonce Formation concert t-shirt. Who could have pictured that I would have a baby close in age to the Carter twins?!

I guess I’ll never know.

He pulled up downstairs a few minutes later than I told him to be there but it didn’t matter to me, I had lost expectations for him. He even opened the car door for me. So much chivalry present and available for such a morbid time. But his only role was to drive the car, swipe his card and wait for me to get done.

What did he need to worry about?

I was the only one getting a world snatched out of me.

I tried but I just couldn’t settle into the sounds of Cam and Dipset coming from his car radio. I put my headphones in and I don’t know why but I went for John Mayer.

Gravity.

I had never felt my body feel so heavy. I had already gained 17 pounds in the past three weeks. For most of 2017, I’ve been emo eating due to stress and moving. I’m sure I’m at least an extra 15. I’m cute and thick yes, but my frame can only take so much. I’ve the heaviest I’ve been in my entire life and yet, nothing compares to that moment sitting in the car.

Listening to how clear and pristine those guitars were reminded me of how this was the song that helped me make my decision to not keep the baby.

I had never cried so much in my life. Oddly enough, I had just heard the song a week or two prior. I randomly saw some happy blonde girl with freckles and a ton of sun in her avi tweet ‘keep me where the light is’, I Googled it (always…